he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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