happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
