Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
