i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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