I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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