So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
