Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
