I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
