My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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