Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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