dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
