We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
