you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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