Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
