woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
that's an acceptable place to lick
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
