I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
