I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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