Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
