I want to make a zoo with you.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
FUCK WHALES
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
