I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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