He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
