Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
