you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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