Soap is not a condiment
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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