Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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