thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
