i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
