I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so let's talk penis.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
