Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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