oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
