oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
