I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
