Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
