New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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