my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
