These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's shark week go big or go home
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
