Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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