Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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