i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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