Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
