that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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