I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
