I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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