Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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