So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
