just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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