I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
