a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
