two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
