If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
