textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
